So, today was one of “those days.” A day that I sit on ponder about decisions I’ve made. Whether they were right or wrong; how those choices and decisions have shaped who I am today, and how they will shape my future. I attended a funeral visitation this evening for my Great Aunt. She was an amazing and talented woman. She lit up any room she walked into with her smile and grace. When I was young, I was petrified of dying. I feared it tremendously to a point where I had obsessed about it as a young teenager. Now, I have a completely different view of death. I came to the realization one day, that death is part of living and is not something to be feared. Of course I rather enjoy my life (most days) and prefer to live my days out to a ripe old age of 90-something, but I do not “fear” it. Over the past 10 years, I have had to say goodbye to several people that I knew and loved. I had pretty much gone my entire life without loosing anyone close to me until the age of 28. Maybe this just goes along with getting older, but it is one of the reasons I believe I have learned not to fear the process.
Tonight, in the midst of my crazy life happenings (where some days I am not sure of my left from my right) I realize that I may never “have it all together.” The funny thing about that is, I am genuinely o.k. with that. I was talking with a family member sharing stories about our current happenings in life. This person said something so profound, and it just stuck. He said, “don’t you remember when we were kids and all the grown ups seemed so put together, like they had it all figured out?” I replied I know, it did seem that way. They were our role-models, those who we looked up to. We came to the realization that more than likely, they had the same struggles, fears, and issues we now face. We were kids, and lived in this oblivious, imaginary world and now here we are, in our very own grown up world; which is no longer imaginary and stand wondering is this what we waited and longed for?? Well, it is. We work, we worry, we obsess. We want things to be perfect, where mistakes never happen, and live in eternal bliss. But they never will be. They can be wonderful, and amazing, but along the way there will be pain, loss, and disappointment. These are the things that shape our character. They chip away at our exterior, like the nor’easter beats against a light house. The lighthouse is strong, it withstands so much that comes against it. But yet it still shines brightly guiding and directing those who depend on it’s light. I was gently reminded today of the song I learned so many years ago in Sunday School. It went “this little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine….” We are all brought into this world with that light. There are so many things that will come our way to dim or destroy our light. It is important to not get lost in the day to day struggles, because in the end it really doesn’t matter. What people will remember is the light that we exuded; the light we possessed to guide others out of their own darkness.