Inspire

What does it mean to “inspire?” Webster’s definition of inspire, is to fill (someone) with the urge or ability to do or feel something, especially to do something creative. To fill…..to fill someone with the urge, or ability to do, or to feel………

I have never considered myself to be one who possesses a great deal of creativity. Well, perhaps I am creative. I many times correlate creativity with artistry. The two are technically not the same. However, many times are used interchangeably. I am certainly no artist; a creative, well, I will allow myself that one. Actual artistry however,  let’s just say I was missing from that gift giving line-up. My own children would mock my attempts to draw when they were small. My Grandmother, her sister, my children even….they are amazing artists. I was not blessed with this ability. But, oh, oh, how I appreciate those who do have the gift. The one artist who paints the sunset, with its orange, pink and violet shadows………..the musician who can create such feeling, such emotion with seemingly simple combination of A, E, F, flats and sharps; and so on. I am envious of those who are capable of doing so. However, perhaps I should feel blessed to feel what they were inspired to create. I recall a time discussing with my eldest son how I feel things that are not tangible, necessarily. Synesthesia is term that describes how a person produces another sense, based off the stimulation of non-related sensory experience. For example, when I hear music, I see colors; or, when I see a beautiful landscape I will hear music. We discovered, he shares the same experiences.

To inspire another is such a great privilege. I am sure that in my almost 44 years of life, that I have inspired someone, on some level.

I the most complicated, yet simple girl that exists. I am full of self-doubt, riddled with fear of rejection. This is a fear that grips me so tightly, that I find myself simply doing and saying things to make those around me happy. I have had to evaluate this “need” to please more than once in my lifetime. This drive to please has placed me in unhappy and undesirable situations more times than I can count, as far back as my memory will take me. As a matter of fact, my first memory of trying to “keep” peace is at the age of 2.

I have made so many mistakes, due to my cowardly tendencies. Yes, I said it, I am guilty of being cowardly. I have settled and rationalized at various points a long the way….Lying to myself that I simply must conform.

I have lacked the inspiration to simply do; to simply be who I am. Who I want to be. I am the proverbial square peg in a round hole. I WANT to be the beautiful, unique square peg that God himself put me on this earth to be.

Looking in the mirror, I need to see the beauty that exists…..just the way I am. I am inspired to find calm. To find peace. To find my happy in the midst of the chaos. To find my voice, once and for all and to have a heart that is full of gratitude.

I do not know how long this journey will take, where it will take me, or what that reflection in the mirror will look like; I only have my faith right now. It is my shining star, in the midst of the darkest night, leading me and guiding me to be free.

 

 

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